So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
