I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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