Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
How does one acquire holy water?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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