I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
