He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
