the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
