Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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