Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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