There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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