We're like a lot better than the average bears
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
