he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
