Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
