if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
