i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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