one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
