i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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