he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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