tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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