Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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