apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Reggie can tackle my bush.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize