My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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