I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
