He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
