I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
