either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
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