just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
