Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
