So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
