I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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