....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize