I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
