i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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