Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
