My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
