Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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