I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
