Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
