it wasn't lemon gatorade
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
