She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
