Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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