I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
