i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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