i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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