Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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