3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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