I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize