what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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