Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
