i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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