def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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