I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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