This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
