new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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