I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
