omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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