i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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