My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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