i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
