If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
