my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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