On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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