Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
