Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
